Tom - Norm - We gots ta talk.....

[Lochnivar-AS430]

--- This is a humorous post, not intended to be taken seriously by all party. Any party who take offense to this can reach my personal complaint line at 1-866-WTF-GEEZ.---

Norm congrats on your promotion. A little late I know, but I'm still trying to work out this flight schedule you guys have sent me. Taking an A346 out of Denver was great, Lufthansa pays good for it's reserve pilot. That, combined with a 10 hour flight time, was something that the Missus was glad to spend in Dallas.

On arrival to Frankfurt Main, I was notified that Capt Hans Olo had been diagnosed with the Swine Flu (complicated by a severe hangover) and was unable to take his next flight to Moscow. Lufthansa operations said they had already contacted ASHQ in Atlanta and, since I was there and qualified (I'm Superman, damnit!) to fly the Airbus series, that I was availible for the flight.

After shutting down and taking my log to the Operations center for the required signature, I was notified of my change of plans. While I was supposed to fly, first class mind you, back to Atlanta, I was asked to take the flight (DLH755).

So, I grabbed my bag, and after 10 hours already clocked, I proceeded to break every crew rest law known to man and report to my new aircraft. (Did I mention that Superman don't need no sleep?)

Now, I would like to say for the record that upon my pre-flight inspection (Wings check. Fuselage check. Engines check.) that the vertical stabilizer, also known as the tail, was firmly attached to the aircraft in it's normal position. This clarification will be come pertinent in the next few minutes.

Inside the cockpit, I met the first oficer, a fellow by the name of Cheub Acca (call me Chewy), whom I strongly ill with the Swine Flu (Complicated by a severe hangover).

To make a long story short (Too late), the flight was almost boring. First Officer Acca (call me Chewy) spent the majority of the time puffing oxygen from the crew mask like it was going out of style. I made the assumption that the oxygen was treatment for the respiratory troubles brought on by the Swine Flu (complicated by a severe hangover), but I was greateful that he had the manners to breathe into the mast and keep me from contracting the swine flue (complicated by a severe hangover). Afterwards Mr Acca (Please call me Chewy) spends the rest of the time dozing. Poor guy, having the swine flu (complicated by a severe hangover) must be tough on a person's body.

After clearence for the final desent, we began to make our downwind leg for a visual 25R approach into Moscow. Mr. Acca (Call me Chewy) finally wakes and begins assisting with the radio. Moscow tower asks if I'm having problems controling it?

I say, "Tower I haven't had trouble controlling it since I was 15 and lost my... Oh you mean the aircraft... no, we're ok."

"Rgr Lufthansa 755, it would appear that you have no vertical stabilizer."

"Moscow Tower, Lufthansa 755, you're joking right?"

Moscow wan't joking. Somewhere between Frankfurt and Moscow, we seem to have lost a rather large, yet seemingly inconsequential (Superman don't need no tailfin) peice of our aircraft. And by the way, if you find a large peice of metal, painted blue with a large yellow bird on it, could you ship it back to Lufthansa Operations, 123 E. Rhine Avenue, Frankfurt Germany, 33221. Thanks.

I wave good by to Mr Acca (Call me chewy) and again walk to the Moscow office for Lufthansa where they thank me profusely for covering for the pilot, yet they charge me exhorbantly for that small bit of metal that fell of the bird. Not even my plane!

I'm walking to the hotel when I'm stopped by a person from Aeroflot who recognizes me for an AirSource Pilot. They have a flight that is missing a pilot. You guessed it, the Fline Sue(Complicated by a severe hangover) seems to be spreading rather rapidly.

I try to refuse. After 14 hours flying, I can't even spell Fline Sue (Complicated by a severe hangover) correctly. But she begs, and offers a nice chunk of...... Money to do this one bit.

Ok, I'm already over my limit, so what's a few more hours? They can't ground me any more than they will if they catch me. Besides, I haven't flown a TU-154 yet, should be fun.

It should be noted here that in my exhausted state I didn't make the connection between Russian airline (Aeroflot) and Russian Aircraft (TU-154). That connection, while small, represents a large problem. Superman don't read Russian...

Now I will risk my life flying in a closed cockpit with a co-pilot with the fline sue (complicated by a severe hangover). But I can barely read english, how can I read Russian?

I raise a ruckus, and find out that they have a perfectly good B727 sitting in the maintence shop. The only problem is, it's missing the rear wheels on the right main carriage.

I take it immediately. It's at least in English. And definately a safer bet.

So, now that I've finished in Kaliningrad, I'd just like to ask a favor. Send me some masks. I don't want to catch the Swine Flu(complicated by a severe hangover).